The People's Panda

Its a couple days after m 23rd birthday, and I meant to write to you sooner. I don't feel any different than 22, and the day wasn't all that special. I was snowed in, so no work (for the third day that week, my paycheck is going to suck!)but a couple friends managed to come by and see me. No cake or anything. I've been having strange holidays and special occasions it seems. No X-mas tree or wrapped presents either. But anyway, it scares me. This whole situation where one year feels the same as the next. I don't want to wake up one year and find myself thirty years old, with a boring tedious life I loathe and a job I hate. I have these big dreams, and I don't know if I'm strong enough or motivated enough to realize them. Did you know I wanted to be a chemist? No shit, I swear. I LOVED Chemistry in school. I should correct that. I still want to be a chemist. Its fascinating, the idea that these tiny little atoms and molecules can bind together and become things. People and water and trees....Its amazing. I want to write a novel too. I've always had these ideas in my head but I never had a solid idea I wanted to really use. And then suddenly one came to me and I'm trying so hard not to have it smothered out of me by work and home and just life. I want to get better at drawing too, and coloring. I just never have time to practice with work sucking the life out of me. I should make time this weekend to draw. And write.....I miss you dad. I wish I could call with all this, instead of typing this into a box on a laptop screen and trying to pretend wherever you are you see it. This birthday felt hollow. There were years and years where I never heard from you, but even if it was in a tiny corner of my brain, buried under whatever I could find to try and cover it, there was hope that you'd call. The potential, the possibility. Now there is no hope, no chance. You won't be calling to wish me happy birthday ever again. I can't call to wish you anything. You know I texted you a few weeks ago? I couldn't help it. And I can't delete your number from my phone. I have so little of you, I cling to what I've got. Well I think I'm going to wrap this up, Its almost 5 am, and I'm tired. I love you dad. Always.

Jessi